If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this ______, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of _______ and general ________ with _______. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee ______, I’ve been having so much fun with my ______ this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on _______ to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and ______ does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your _______. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to _______, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the ______ community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our ______. Newsflash you stupid cocks: ______ DON’T LIKE BORING _______. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: _______ IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about ______ at a different ______ IN FRONT OF ______. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If _______ openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite _______ over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be _______ at other _______, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other _______ to leave with you.
“But _______!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been _______ on our _______ at all the _______, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT _______ TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at _______ (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s _______?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually _______ for _______. The _______. _______. _______. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A _______? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the _______ is going to make our _______ happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING _______. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you _______ me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh _______, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO _______.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS _______. I would rather have 40 _______ that are fun, talk to _______, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are _______. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to _______ I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our _______. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at _______, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.